2021.03.11
학생이 쓴 원문
Question : Why did you apply to our company?
Answer :
I started learning golf after I quit my job.
Now, I\'m interested in playing golf and golf companies, too.
I could see the bright future of golf industries.
Because, golf is getting popular among the young people who are in their 20s and 30s.
Above all, your company is the best golf brand in the world.
There must be certain reasons why your brand is number one in Korea.
I want to be a best person \'Sales Merchandiser\' in golf industry.
And I sure that best way is enter to the best company.
That\'s why I applied here.
If I work in your compnay, I will contribute to achieve company\'s objective as a best worker.
Thank you.
[이름]
I removed Youtube part and add another sentence which you suggest.
It looks much better and perfect becasue of your tips. :D
Thank you.
Have a good day and good night.
See you tomorrow.
강사 첨삭
Hello, [이름]! I am sure you can do it! I can see that your answer has more emphasis on the company\' achievement and your intention! It\'s a lot better! See you! -Faith-
Question : Why did you apply to our company?>> CORRECT
Answer :
>> CORRECT
I started learning golf after I quit my job.
I started learning golf after I quit my job.
>> CORRECT
Now, I\'m interested in playing golf and golf companies, too.
Now, I\'m interested in playing golf and golf companies, too.
>> CORRECT
I could see the bright future of golf industries.
I could see the bright future of golf industries.
>> CORRECT
Because, golf is getting popular among the young people who are in their 20s and 30s.
Because, golf is getting popular among the young people who are in their 20s and 30s.
>> CORRECT
Above all, your company is the best golf brand in the world.
Above all, your company is the best golf brand in the world.
>> CORRECT
There must be certain reasons why your brand is number one in Korea.
There must be certain reasons why your brand is number one in Korea.
>> CORRECT
OR I know there are reasons why you are the best.
I want to be a best person \'Sales Merchandiser\' in golf industry. And I sure that best way is enter to the best company.
I want to be a best person \'Sales Merchandiser\' in golf industry. And I sure that best way is enter to the best company.
>> So, since my dream is to be the best sales merchandiser in the golf industry, I am sure I can achieve it by working in the best company.
That\'s why I applied here.
That\'s why I applied here.
>> CORRECT
If I work in your compnay, I will contribute to achieve company\'s objective as a best worker.
If I work in your compnay, I will contribute to achieve company\'s objective as a best worker.
>> If you give me the chance to work for you, I will make a significant contribution to achieve the company\'s objective as one of your best workers.
Thank you.
Thank you.
>> CORRECT
I changed my answer.
>> CORRECT
I removed Youtube part and add another sentence which you suggest.
I removed Youtube part and add another sentence which you suggest.
>> I removed the Youtube part and add another sentence which you suggested.
It looks much better and perfect becasue of your tips. :D
It looks much better and perfect becasue of your tips. :D
>> It looks much better and perfect because of your tips. :D
Thank you.
Thank you.
>> CORRECT
Have a good day and good night.
Have a good day and good night.
>> CORRECT
See you tomorrow.
See you tomorrow.
>> CORRECT
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