Boxing and martial arts
학생이 쓴 원문
Thank you for your helping. Your advices always makes me to work harder.
강사 첨삭
Hi Ye [이름]!
Word choice is still the issue in this composition.
Familiarize yourself with the correct terms.
Have a good weekend!
~~ Teacher Sharon
There are many kinds of sports all over the world.
>> Correct
Most people like to watch sports including the kind of
violence sports on TV like boxing and martial arts.
>> Most people like to watch sports including violent ones on TV like boxing and martial arts.
Therefore, there are some view that we should ban
showing those sports on TV as well as the competitions internationally.
>> Therefore, there are some views that we should ban showing these sports on TV as well as the international competitions
This essay will discuss whether the
aggressive sports is good for people or not and I would express my opinion as well.
>> This essay will discuss whether watching aggressive sports is good for people or not and I would express my opinion as well.
The most reason why people want to ban showing or doing the aggressive sports is because they think it
would promote violence in communities.
>> The main reason why people want to ban showing or playing aggressive sports is because they think it would promote violence in communities.
When people watch the sports on TV, people will want to learn
those activities and use bad words.
>> When people watch these sports on TV, people will want to learn those activities and use bad words.
Eventually, it would encourage people to be aggressive and connect to
commit crimes
>> Eventually, it would push people to be aggressive and it may lead to the commission of crimes.
For instance, there were some cases that cruel crimes by the adolescents who had watched
those related programs on TV.
>> For instance, there were some cases where cruel crimes were committed by adolescents who had watched those kinds of programs on TV.
Whereas, there are people who insist the sports because they think it helps people to be healthy by learning
or watching the activities.
>> Whereas, there are people who support these kinds of sports because they think it helps people to be healthy by learning or watching the activities.
This is because people can lose their stresses by watching the aggressive sports
with shouting and applying their emotions on the players.
>> This is because people can relieve stress by watching aggressive sports while shouting and expressing their emotions about the players.
Moreover, it can motivate people to learn the
sports and so, they can be strong physically.
>> Moreover, it can motivate people to learn these sports and so, they can be physically strong.
In my view, the two opinions have merits.
>> Correct
However, I think people cannot prevent all of the situations about
the negative effects from the aggressive sports.
>> However, I think people cannot prevent all of the negative effects of aggressive sports.
Everything have a double-edged sword.
>> Everything is a double-edged sword.
Moreover, I believe
people need the sports because violence is also one of the important emotions in humans.
>> Moreover, I believe people need these sports because violence is also one of the important parts of humans.
Therefore, we
need to do or watch the sports wisely and reduce the negative impacts on people.
>> Therefore, we need to play or watch sports wisely and reduce the negative impact on people.
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