Composition

2016-10-11 · 첨삭 강사 Erine

학생이 쓴 원문

Good afternoon, Teacher! Today, we talked about pictures and SNS and we were able to know more about what perception we are having. In my case, I am having a negative perception of posting my pictures and my personal life on SNS such as Twitter, Facebook and Kakao talk. The first reason why I don't enjoy it is that I am not diligent and not interested in this kind of activity. The second reason is that I somehow don't want other people to see my personal life. The third reason is that I don't have anything to show up in front of other people. The most important reason is that I don't believe in the safety of the internet world. Nowadays, there are a lot of instances that many people get harmed because of the private information exposure. Even, illegally accessed personal information can be wrongfully used. The world of the internet is having anonymity so people are not aware of the seriousness of harming other good users. You can sometimes see people partaking in witch hunting and they don't feel guilty even if they attack and blame others without any specific reasons. I think it is time for us to learn how to use SNS rightly and safely, just like we complete the regular curriculum in school. It means that we have to consider this SNS as another space that is different with the real world. That is all for today and see you tomorrow! ^^

강사 첨삭

Hi, [이름]!
Your composition is more of the persuasive one.

It is like convincing people to side to your opinion.

You almost moved me with your ideas.

I think with proper training, you can enhance more of it!
~~Teacher Erine~~

Good afternoon, Teacher!

>> Correct
Today, we talked about pictures and SNS and we were able to know more about what perception we are having.

>> Today, we talked about pictures and SNS and we were able to know more about each other\'s perception.

In my case, I am having a negative perception of posting my pictures and my personal life on SNS such as Twitter, Facebook and Kakao talk.

>> Correct
The first reason why I don\'t enjoy it is that I am not diligent and not interested in this kind of activity.

>> Correct
The second reason is that I somehow don\'t want other people to see my personal life.

>> Correct
The third reason is that I don\'t have anything to show up in front of other people.

>> The third reason is that I don\'t have anything to show off in front of other people.
The most important reason is that I don\'t believe in the safety of the internet world.

>> The most important reason is that I don\'t believe in the safety and security of the internet world.
Nowadays, there are a lot of instances that many people get harmed because of the private information exposure.

>> Correct
Even, illegally accessed personal information can be wrongfully used.

>> Correct
The world of the internet is having anonymity so people are not aware of the seriousness of harming other good users.

>> Correct
You can sometimes see people partaking in witch hunting and they don\'t feel guilty even if they attack and blame others without any specific reasons.

>> Correct
I think it is time for us to learn how to use SNS rightly and safely, just like we complete the regular curriculum in school.

>> Correct
It means that we have to consider this SNS as another space that is different with the real world.

>> Correct
That is all for today and see you tomorrow! ^^

>> Correct

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