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Good afternoon [이름]! Thank you for sending me this. I appreciate your effort. Anyway, kindly go over my corrections please. Thank you and have a great day. Have a happy weekend, too.

Topic: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea?
I think it is good idea that students combine both study and work.

>> I think it is a good idea that students combine both study and work.

>> I think it is a good idea that students work while studying.

when I consider about the purpose of the study, I reach a conclusion that we are doing study to get a ideal occupation.

>> When I think of the reason why we study, I come up with the conclusion that we study in order to get an ideal occupation.

However, most of Korean students have no dream like what they really want to be, so that they get the serious worries about the purpose of life, when they choose their major or occupation.

>> However, most Korean students don\'t know what they really want to become, so they worry too much about life, their purpose and what major to choose.

 It is ineffecient and students are also painful.

>>Did you mean: It is inevitable and it gives students lots of worries.

If they combine both, they could map out their career path much earlier.

>> Correct. 

Study is not the only way to be a valuable member of society.

>> To be a student is not the only way to prove your value in the society.

I hope Korean students try to look at the otherside of world and enjoy it.

>> I hope Korean students will try to look at the other side of life and enjoy it.

Studying for going to better university is tiny part of whole life.

>> Studying and going to a better university are just tiny bits of your real purpose in life.