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학생이 쓴 원문
2/6
HOMEWORK:
Writing Exercise: Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
강사 첨삭
Hi Louie!
Try to focus on organization and simplicity in this composition.
This work is a little bit more difficult to understand.
The flow and presentation need work.
Keep practicing!^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
In our society, the idea of capitalism is dominat in people\'s mindset.
>> In our society, the idea of capitalism is dominant in the people\'s mindset.
And some people or businesses do ignore some important value of community and morality.
>> Some people or businesses do ignore some important values of community and morality.
Even though small businesses lose money because of maternity leave, it is ridiculous not to employ young women.
>> Correct
So I strongly disagree with the the idea that small businesses need to reject to employ young women with the fear of maternity leave and loss of money.
>> So I strongly disagree with the the idea that small businesses need to avoid employing young women for the fear of maternity leave and loss of money.
First, maternity leave is one of the policies to protect our society from collapse.
>> First, maternity leave is one of the policies designed to protect our society from collapse.
Let\'s assume that if the trend that small firms don\'t employ young women because of the loss.
>> Let\'s assume that it is the trend for small firms not to employ young women because of the loss.
Explicitly, the rate of reproducing will be decreased more and more.
>> Explicitly, the birth rate will gradually decrease.
At the same time, this means population aging will be accelerated.
>> At the same time, this means that population aging will be accelerated.
In a country, this is a disaster because it means losing of population of labor.
>> In a country, this is a disaster because it means losing the population of labor.
In macroeconomics, population of labor is one of the main factors which decide development of one country\'s economic level.
>> In macroeconomics, population of labor is one of the main factors which decide development of one country\'s economic level.
That is, the idea can\'t be accepted because it will injure the country\'s economic system.
>> Correct
Secondly, the idea is a specific form of sex discrimination.
>> Correct
As most of people agreed, equality is really precious value.
>> As most people agree, equality is a really precious principle.
There is no right for you to discriminate women because of pregnancy.
>> Correct
Even though small businesses may lose profit for maternity leave and even be bankrupt, the value of equity is far more important than the business themselves.
>> Even though small businesses may lose profit for maternity leave and even be bankrupt, the value of equity is far more important than the businesses themselves.
The reason is simple.
>> Correct
Lots of people sacrifice to get the vaule of equity, such as Martin Luther King.
>> Lots of people made sacrifices to achieve the value of equity, such as Martin Luther King.
If you give up the value of equity just for the businesses, it seems that there is no reason for you to be treated as me.
>> If you give up the value of equity just for the businesses, it seems that there is no reason for you to be treated as I am.
Even though small businesses need to give up some benefits, the inclination not to employ young women can never be justified.
>> Correct
We need to protect our society and the value of equity.
>> Correct
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