Do you have any complaints about your smartphone?
학생이 쓴 원문
Actually, the smartphone has made our life easier.
But I think, the security system is not enough despite it’s incredible progress.
We use a lot of applications regarding the privacy and security such as the bank, SNS etc.
However, it makes problems sometimes such as leak of personal information.
And some hackers or crime group use these information for voice phishing or the other crimes.
The other problem is the invasion of privacy.
For example, It’s not difficult to know the other people’s daily life or schedule because of the SNS’s several functions (location tag, photo etc)
Despite these shortcoming, it’s clear that the smartphone made our life more useful and helpful.
Therefore, I hope the online security system catch up the pace of smartphone technology evolution as soon as possible.
강사 첨삭
Hello Ms. [Name] [이름]^^
I’m very glad that you found time to write a composition. I can see your determination to learn. I know that you can easily master your English in no time because of your perseverance. You made very few flaws on your composition this time and that’s good news! Have more time studying English as well as learn more vocabularies to have more choices of words in your sentences. Do well on practicing and I believe that you could improve more. Have a great day and take care! Talk to you soon! ^_^
Actually, the smartphone has made our life easier.
>>CORRECT!
OR: In fact, smartphones made our lives easier.
But I think, the security system is not enough despite it’s incredible progress.
>>CORRECT!
We use a lot of applications regarding the privacy and security such as the bank, SNS etc.
>>We use a lot of applications regarding the privacy and security such as the bank, SNS etc.
However, it makes problems sometimes such as leak of personal information.
>>CORRECT!
And some hackers or crime group use these information for voice phishing or the other crimes.
>>And some hackers or crime groups use this information for voice phishing or other crimes.
The other problem is the invasion of privacy.
>>CORRECT!
For example, It’s not difficult to know the other people’s daily life or schedule because of the SNS’s several functions (location tag, photo etc)
>>For example, it is not difficult to know the other person\'s daily life or schedule because of the various functions (position tags, photos, etc.) of SNS.
Despite these shortcoming, it’s clear that the smartphone made our life more useful and helpful.
>>Despite these shortcomings, it is clear that smartphones have made our lives more useful.
Therefore, I hope the online security system catch up the pace of smartphone technology evolution as soon as possible.
>>Therefore, I hope the online security system catches up the pace of smartphone technology evolution as soon as possible.
>>CORRECT!
OR: In fact, smartphones made our lives easier.
But I think, the security system is not enough despite it’s incredible progress.
>>CORRECT!
We use a lot of applications regarding the privacy and security such as the bank, SNS etc.
>>We use a lot of applications regarding the privacy and security such as the bank, SNS etc.
However, it makes problems sometimes such as leak of personal information.
>>CORRECT!
And some hackers or crime group use these information for voice phishing or the other crimes.
>>And some hackers or crime groups use this information for voice phishing or other crimes.
The other problem is the invasion of privacy.
>>CORRECT!
For example, It’s not difficult to know the other people’s daily life or schedule because of the SNS’s several functions (location tag, photo etc)
>>For example, it is not difficult to know the other person\'s daily life or schedule because of the various functions (position tags, photos, etc.) of SNS.
Despite these shortcoming, it’s clear that the smartphone made our life more useful and helpful.
>>Despite these shortcomings, it is clear that smartphones have made our lives more useful.
Therefore, I hope the online security system catch up the pace of smartphone technology evolution as soon as possible.
>>Therefore, I hope the online security system catches up the pace of smartphone technology evolution as soon as possible.
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