Do you think technology (phones, social media) should be avoided on vacation?
학생이 쓴 원문
I think it is better to avoid using phone and social media during a vacation. I think a lot of people waste their time for social media. Of course, using phone might give us dopamine, but it just a one second. After a long time, spending too much time for social media isn\'t helpful to our mental health. And most of the people work using computer thesedays. If we use phone when we go on a vacation, our eyes and brain can\'t take a relax. Therefore, if you really want to relax and rewind, you have to far from the phone during your vacation.
강사 첨삭
Hello, Mary! You presented a clear and thoughtful opinion about avoiding phones and social media during vacations, and your main idea was easy to understand and well supported with reasons related to mental health and relaxation. You did a good job explaining cause-and-effect relationships, especially how constant phone use affects the brain and eyes. To improve, focus on correcting prepositions such as on instead of for, verb forms like relax instead of take a relax, and article usage like a phone versus phone. Also, try to use more natural expressions such as in the long run and recharge to sound more fluent. Overall, this was a strong response with logical reasoning, and with small grammar and word-choice improvements, your writing will be much more natural and polished.
-Teacher Wela
I think it is better to avoid using phone and social media during a vacation.
>> I think it is better to avoid using phones and social media during a vacation.
I think a lot of people waste their time for social media.
>> I think a lot of people waste their time on social media.
Of course, using phone might give us dopamine, but it just a one second.
>> Of course, using a phone might give us dopamine, but it lasts only for a second.
After a long time, spending too much time for social media isn\'t helpful to our mental health.
>> In the long run, spending too much time on social media is not helpful for our mental health.
And most of the people work using computer thesedays.
>> Most people work using computers these days.
Therefore, if you really want to relax and rewind, you have to far from the phone during your vacation.
>> Therefore, if you really want to relax and recharge, you have to stay away from your phone during your vacation.
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