Eassy - Dose the elderly people who works have less risk of depression?
학생이 쓴 원문
I am strongly agreed with the study’s conclusion. I believe that doing something regularly in the societies will give them liveliness. This is not the elderly people also young generation. Once people are disconnected, they feel lonely, isolated, useless which are risks of the depression.
Making lots of money dose not matter, connecting to society is what I want to emphasize. People have lived and learnt by interacting with others for last thousand decades.
Lastly I would like comment on the government responsibility. Because as we all know, we can live now from their dedication in the past. They sacrificed for the family and the country. Whatever how they live, we can not ignore them. It is the first step to live together.
강사 첨삭
Hi [이름]!
I amazed on how you reason out things. I really admire that you always respond according to your experiences and real scenarios.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Anyway, here are the corrections.
I am strongly agreed with the study’s conclusion.
>>> I strongly agreed with the study’s conclusion.
I believe that doing something regularly in the societies will give them liveliness. This is not the elderly people also young generation.
>>> I believe that doing something regularly in the society will give them liveliness. It is not only the elderly people, but also the young generation.
Once people are disconnected, they feel lonely, isolated, useless which are risks of the depression.
>>> Once people are disconnected, they feel lonely, isolated and useless which are the risks of the depression.
Making lots of money dose not matter, connecting to society is what I want to emphasize.
>>> Making lots of money does not matter, but connecting to the society is what I want to emphasize.
People have lived and learnt by interacting with others for last thousand decades.
>>> People have lived and learned by interacting with others for the last thousand decades.
Lastly I would like comment on the government responsibility. Because as we all know, we can live now from their dedication in the past.
>>> Lastly, I would like to comment on the government responsibility. Because as we all know, we can live now from their dedication in the past.
They sacrificed for the family and the country. Whatever how they live, we can not ignore them.
>>> Correct!
It is the first step to live together.
>>> It is the first step for us live together in peace.
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