failure
학생이 쓴 원문
I learned data or quantitative information is not sufficient for winning the deal.
When I worked in Qingdao 2016, I tried to recruit one local company as a client. At first it looked like everything went well. since I offered the best interest rate and conditions, and appealed lots benefits in foreign exchange with full supportive data. I thought that my approach would satisfy the customer
however, I failed to attract the company. Because the company decided to keep the original bank ,IBK. IBK suggested lots of benefit when they heard the company would change the bank, Offering same rate of mine and actively approaching to the company personally.
At that time, I did fully realized importance of personal approach to the client. Personal approach means lots of communications and visit beyond logical data and conditions which I offered to the company
Since then, I got a lesson, changed my strategy. Regardless of deals, I tried to contact and visit the company as much as I can
강사 첨삭
Hello [이름]!^^
Great job for formulating your sentences. Just keep on improving your writing and grammar skills. ^_^
I learned data or quantitative information is not sufficient for winning the deal.
>>>I learned data or quantitative information, but it\'s not sufficient for winning a deal.
When I worked in Qingdao 2016, I tried to recruit one local company as a client.
>>>When I worked in Qingdao last 2016, I tried to recruit one local company as a client.
At first it looked like everything went well.
>>>At first, it looked like everything went well.
since I offered the best interest rate and conditions, and appealed lots benefits in foreign exchange with full supportive data.
>>>Since I offered the best interest rates, conditions and appealed lots of benefits in foreign exchange with full supportive data.
I thought that my approach would satisfy the customer
>>>I thought that my approach would satisfy the customer.
however, I failed to attract the company. Because the company decided to keep the original bank ,IBK.
>>>However, I failed to attract that company because the company decided to keep the IBK bank, the first bank they talked to.
IBK suggested lots of benefit when they heard the company would change the bank, Offering same rate of mine and actively approaching to the company personally.
>>>IBK suggested lots of benefits when they heard the company would change their bank and offered the same rate as I suggested and actively approached the company personally.
At that time, I did fully realized importance of personal approach to the client.
>>>At that time, I fully realized the importance of personal approach to a client.
Personal approach means lots of communications and visit beyond logical data and conditions which I offered to the company
>>> Personal approach means lots of communication and visit beyond logical data and conditions which I offered to the company.
Regardless of deals, I tried to contact and visit the company as much as I can
>>>Regardless of the deals, I tried to contact and visit the company as much as I can.
파워잉글리쉬 영어첨삭교정 서비스에 실제로 접수된 글입니다. 작성자와 글에 등장하는 사람·회사 이름, 연락처 등 개인을 알아볼 수 있는 정보는 모두 지웠습니다. 문법 오류는 학습 자료로서의 가치를 위해 원문 그대로 두었습니다.