homework 07.04

2023-07-06 · 첨삭 강사 Camille

학생이 쓴 원문

~ Writing Task: Please answer the question: What are the dangers of using social media platforms? Through to the social media platforms, I see news from my region to all over the world, it\'s can check it on smartphone, computer. I was once addicted to social media, I looked only my smartphone all day. But, social media platforms has a lot of problems. Often unusual people, to increase of followers on their social media. they are upload videos like a dangerous behavior or nuisance behavior. The next, there are so many people using anonymity on the internet, they are write mean comment(bad comments). That\'s why so many people feeling suffer. lastly, celebrities\'privicy activities are also dangerous. One anecdote, the girlfriend of a musician uploaded his location on Instagram. And than later, he was suddenly attacked by robbery. That\'s why there many people\'s leave the social media.

강사 첨삭

Good day, [이름]!
Thank you so much for taking time in answering the question. Your ideas and opinions are on point. Keep it up! :)
~ T. Camille

~ Writing Task:
Please answer the question:
What are the dangers of using social media platforms?

Through to the social media platforms, I see news from my region to all over the world,
it\'s can check it on smartphone, computer.
>> Through to the social media platforms, I see news from my region to all over the world, and you can check it on your smartphone, or even in your computer.
I was once addicted to social media, I looked only my smartphone all day.
>> I was once addicted to social media, I only looked at my smartphone all day.
But, social media platforms has a lot of problems.
>> But, social media platforms have a lot of problems.
Often unusual people, to increase of followers on their social media.
>> It is usually to increase followers on their social media.
they are upload videos like a dangerous behavior or nuisance behavior.
>> They upload videos like dangerous acts or a nuisance.
The next, there are so many people using anonymity on the internet, they are write mean comment(bad comments).
>> On the other hand, there are so many people using anonymity on the internet, they write mean comments (bad comments) against other people.
That\'s why so many people feeling suffer.
>> That\'s why so many people suffer from it.
lastly, celebrities\'privicy activities are also dangerous.
>> Lastly, celebrities\' privacy could also be affected, leaving them in danger.
One anecdote, the girlfriend of a musician uploaded his location on Instagram.
>> CORRECT!
And than later, he was suddenly attacked by robbery.
>> And then later, he was suddenly attacked by robbers.
OR >> Later on, a robbery happened in his place.
That\'s why there many people\'s leave the social media.
>> That\'s why there are many people leaving the social media world.
OR >> That\'s the reason why there are many people who take a social media break.

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