Homework 2

2019-05-01 · 첨삭 강사 Sharon

학생이 쓴 원문

Relying too much on technology has several disadvantages because doing this can reduce face to face communication opportunities with their coworkers due to a chat room. So, more and more employees are isolated because of technology. Also, using too much technology increases the unemployment rate because technology replaces a seat which was for a person. For instance, a survey has shown that technology has replaced 30% of seats which were for humans, and this phenomenon is increasing significantly. Therefore, it is clear that relying too much on technology makes people be isolated and lose their job. In conclusion, technology shortens many processes in work places to make people more conveniently. However, technology also makes people feel lonely and increase the unemployment rate.

강사 첨삭

Hi [이름]!
This may be the best part yet.
The kind of words and patterns you used were very clear.
This has the elements of a good essay.
I hope you continue writing like this.^^ 
~~ Teacher Sharon
Relying too much on technology has several disadvantages because doing this can reduce face to face communication opportunities with their coworkers due to a chat room. 
>> Correct
So, more and more employees are isolated because of technology. 
>> Correct
Also, using too much technology increases the unemployment rate because technology replaces a seat which was for a person. 
>> Also, using too much technology increases the unemployment rate because technology fills the seat meant for a person. 
For instance, a survey has shown that technology has replaced 30% of seats which were for humans, and this phenomenon is increasing significantly. 
>> Correct
Therefore, it is clear that relying too much on technology makes people be isolated and lose their job.
>> Therefore, it is clear that relying too much on technology makes people isolated and causes them to lose their jobs.
In conclusion, technology shortens many processes in work places to make people more conveniently. 
>> In conclusion, technology shortens many processes in work places to make people more comfortable. 
However, technology also makes people feel lonely and increase the unemployment rate.
>> However, technology also makes people feel lonely and increases the unemployment rate.


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