Homework

2017-09-27 · 첨삭 강사 Charry

학생이 쓴 원문

I agree that Korean society is too competitive. Every society has its own competitions and every people try hard to achieve their own goals. I think the problem of Korean society's competition is that many people aim same goals. For example, Koreans automatically recall several occupations when they are asked which occupations are desirable. There are certain way to live including which university you should graduate, which occupation you should get and even when is the good age for marriage. Furthermore, people not just set those goals but also press other people to follow it. Old relatives ask young people why you don't get married yet, how much money you make and give so called advice even when nobody asks. As a result most people want similar jobs and want to live certain area. This kind of competition is not productive because every people have their own interest and talent. Society provides limited choices to live and that's why competition is severe and not productive.

강사 첨삭

Hi, [이름]! :)
Thank you for taking the time to write an essay for today. 
I hope you\'re not that stressed anymore. ^^
I think competition is good. 
However, I don\'t agree to the idea that you should compete with everybody else.
I honestly think that the only person you should be in competition with would be with your own self.
You should always strive to be better than the person you were yesterday. 
I hope you\'re doing okay.
See you again tomorrow. 
~Teacher Charry :)
I agree that Korean society is too competitive. 
>> I agree that the Korean society is too competitive.
Every society has its own competitions and every people try hard to achieve their own goals. 
>> Every society has its own competitions and every person try hard to achieve their own goals.
I think the problem of Korean society\'s competition is that many people aim same goals. 
>> I think the problem with the Korean society\'s competition is that many people aim for the same goals.
For example, Koreans automatically recall several occupations when they are asked which occupations are desirable. 
>> CORRECT!
OR >> For instance, Koreans automatically recall several occupations when they are asked which occupations are desirable.
There are certain way to live including which university you should graduate, which occupation you should get and even when is the good age for marriage. 
>> There are certain ways to live including which university you should graduate in, which occupation you should get and even when would be the good age for marriage. 
Furthermore, people not just set those goals but also press other people to follow it. 
>> CORRECT!
OR >> Moreover, 
people do not only set those goals but also press others to follow it. 
Old relatives ask young people why you don\'t get married yet, how much money you make and give so called advice even when nobody asks. 
>> Old relatives ask younger people why they\'re not married yet, how much money do they make and give the so-called advice even when nobody asks for it.
As a result most people want similar jobs and want to live certain area. 
>> As a result, most people want similar jobs and want to live in a certain area.
This kind of competition is not productive because every people have their own interest and talent. 
>> This kind of competition is not productive because every person has his/her own interest and talent.
Society provides limited choices to live and that\'s why competition is severe and not productive.
>> The society provides limited choices to live with and that\'s why competition is severe and not productive.

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