Homework

2020-06-05 · 첨삭 강사 Jedah

학생이 쓴 원문

What would be the worst thing your loved ones can do to you? A: In my opinion, the worst thing is violence. Unfortunately, there are many violent people. Attack someone as well as verbal abuse also can hurt everyone. And racism can include as well. When I lived in Austrailia, I went to a cafe and asked the staff some water. However she told me you get the water at bathroom. I didn’t take it personaly but thesedays black discrimination is a hot topic. A innocent black man died because of race discrimination. I think this is absoulty wrong. Anyway, violence as well as discrimination must be away. My weakness I tend to speak quite fast. I realize that this could be my weakness since I worked in Australia. Since every coworkers had a different pronunciation and accent, sometimes they couldn’t get me well. To become better, I started talking after organizing my thought. And I met a slow-talking friend and imitated her speed of speaking. I am trying hard to overcome like this thesedays.

강사 첨삭

In my opinion, the worst thing is violence. 
>>CORRECT
Unfortunately, there are many violent people. 
>>CORRECT
Attack someone as well as verbal abuse also can hurt everyone. 
>>Attacking someone physical and verbally can also hurt.
And racism can include as well. 
>>And racism is also one.
When I lived in Austrailia, I went to a cafe and asked the staff some water. 
>>CORRECT
However she told me you get the water at bathroom. 
>>However she told me that I can get water from the bathroom.
I didn’t take it personally but these days black discrimination is a hot topic. 
>>CORRECT 
A innocent black man died because of race discrimination. 
>>An innocent black man died because of racial discrimination.
I think this is absolutely wrong. 
>>CORRECT
Anyway, violence as well as discrimination must be away.
>>Anyway, violence as well as discrimination must be eradicated.

My weakness
I tend to speak quite fast.
>>CORRECT
I realize that this could be my weakness since I worked in Australia. 
>>CORRECT
Since every coworkers had a different pronunciation and accent, sometimes they couldn’t get me well. 
>>CORRECT
To become better, I started talking after organizing my thought. 
>>To become better, I organize my thoughts in my heads first before I would start speaking.
And I met a slow-talking friend and imitated her speed of speaking. 
>>CORRECT
I am trying hard to overcome like this thesedays.
>>I am trying hard to overcome this habit these days.

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