How much do you value your privacy?

2019-12-12 · 첨삭 강사 Avery

학생이 쓴 원문

Korean websites asked users to put all personal information when we wanted to join it. We also needed to provide our personal information at bank, public office and so on. It has caused a lot of social problem in nation wide. I heard that many people suffered from fishing. Criminals took our identification number, address and even the account number and then they used it to withdraw money from victim\'s account. I have had similar experience. I just clicked website to track my parcel. It had perfectly same website feature and it told me to put my invoice tracking number. Suddenly, the criminal took all my ID information and website password and then joined new website with my personal information. I was really scared because they could take my money, so I reported it to police and reset my smart phone. I was not able to expect what would happen. I just turned off my device and visited costumer service center to ask what I had to do. Engineer reset my phone and he said that I would be

강사 첨삭

Hello, Mr. [이름]! Thanks for this composition. I\'m sorry to hear about your bad experience. I hope it doesn\'t happen again. ^^

Anyway, here are some corrections to improve your sentences:

~T.Avery

Korean websites asked users to put all personal information when we wanted to join it.

>> Korean websites asked users to put all personal information when register.

We also needed to provide our personal information at bank, public office and so on.

>> We also needed to provide our personal information at banks, public offices and other establishments.

It has caused a lot of social problem in nation wide. I heard that many people suffered from fishing.

>> It has caused a lot of social problems nationwide. I heard that many people became victims of phishing.

Criminals took our identification number, address and even the account number and then they used it to withdraw money from victim\'s account.

>> Criminals obtain a person\'s identification number, address and even the account number, then they use it to withdraw money from the ictim\'s account.

I have had similar experience.

>> I have had a similar experience.

I just clicked website to track my parcel.

>> I just clicked a website to track my parcel.

It had perfectly same website feature and it told me to put my invoice tracking number.

>> It had perfectly the same website features and it required me to enter my invoice tracking number.

Suddenly, the criminal took all my ID information and website password and then joined new website with my personal information.

>> Suddenly, the criminal stole all my ID information and website password, and then joined the new website with my personal information.

I was really scared because they could take my money, so I reported it to police and reset my smart phone.

>> CORRECT

I was not able to expect what would happen.

>> CORRECT

OR>> I didn\'t expect that to happen.

I just turned off my device and visited costumer service center to ask what I had to do.

>> CORRECT

Engineer reset my phone and he said that I would be...

>> An engineer reset my phone and he said that I would be...

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