If you want to improve your health what is the most important? food? exercise? stress?

2017-04-20 · 첨삭 강사 Sophia

학생이 쓴 원문

Some might think that food you eat or how much you work out is more important than the amount of stress in improving health. However I believe the most substantial thing is to relieving stress. First, stress is the main cause to many disease. To be specific, the brain of a man under a lot of stress secrets something bad materials, which have adverse effect on his body. As a result, the man's immune system is undermined, which make him suffer from disease. According to the study conducted in WHO, people having more stressful job have less life expectation than others. This study clearly shows that to relieve stress is the best way for staying healthy. Second, exercising could harm your heath. In my case, I broke my left shoulder while doing a weight training. As a result, I had the surgery to rebuild the cartilage of left shoulder. If I had not done the workout, I might not have had the surgery. In conclusion, stress management is the most important to contemporary people.

강사 첨삭

HELLO [이름],

I\'m sorry for not giving you an essay homework.

Anyway, your topic is good.

Well, I think food is the most important. 

I\'m lazy to exercise. 

Have a nice day ahead!

Teacher Sophia

Here are your corrections:

Some might think that food you eat or how much you work out is more important than the amount of stress in improving health.

>> Some might think that the food they eat or how much work they do are more important than to lessen the stress in improving their health.

However I believe the most substantial thing is to relieving stress.

>> However, I believe that the most substantial thing is to relieve stress.

First, stress is the main cause to many disease. 

>> CORRECT  

To be specific, the brain of a man under a lot of stress secrets something bad materials, which have adverse effect on his body.

>> To be specific, the brain of man under too much stress has an adverse effect in his body.

As a result, the man\'s immune system is undermined, which make him suffer from disease.

>>  CORRECT  

According to the study conducted in WHO, people having more stressful job have less life expectation than others.

>> According to the study conducted by the World Health Organization, people having stressful life has shorter life expectancy.

This study clearly shows that to relieve stress is the best way for staying healthy.

>> This study clearly shows that staying healthy relieves stress.
Second, exercising could harm your heath.

>>  CORRECT  

In my case, I broke my left shoulder while doing a weight training.

>>  CORRECT  

As a result, I had the surgery to rebuild the cartilage of left shoulder.

>> As a result, I had a surgery to rebuild the cartilage of my left shoulder.

If I had not done the workout, I might not have had the surgery.

>> If I hadn\'t done the workout, I didn\'t have a surgery. 
In conclusion, stress management is the most important to contemporary people.

>> In conclusion, stress management is important for contemporary people.



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