In your opinion, how should we approach teenage pregnancy and suicide?

2017-05-26 · 첨삭 강사 Marie

학생이 쓴 원문

There are many teenage preganancy and suicide happen in South Korea. The leading cause of death is suicide for teenagers. The number one cause is suicide. And recently, teenage pregnancy has increased in South Korea. How can we deal with these problems? Do we have solution for these problems? We should think and approach these problems deeply. We need to make solution all together socially. First of all, I think there is problem in schools. Students in South Korea get a lot of stress from school. It is excessive stress from excessive studying and working. In South Korea, there is competivtive society. Students and worker want to get number one prize form schools and companies. Problems happen from that kind of situation. Students and workers should try to find to relieve stress through various ways. Having hobbies and doing excercise will relieve stress and make you feel happy. I think if we cannot change the circumcetance or problem itself, we should find a way to change myself. Second, students and adults should take a class about sex education. All generation do not have idea about sex. So, they need to know what is exactly sex. And also, they need to know sexual morality.

강사 첨삭

Hi there, [이름]!

Thanks for doing your homework.

You stated some very good points here.

Good job!

Kindly review my corrections below.

Talk to you later.

Ciao!

~Teacher Marie~ ^^

There are many teenage preganancy and suicide happen in South Korea.

>> There are many cases of teenage pregnancy and suicide in South Korea.

The leading cause of death is suicide for teenagers.

>> CORRECT!

The number one cause is suicide.

>> CORRECT!

*This has the same meaning as the previous sentence. ^^

And recently, teenage pregnancy has increased in South Korea.

>> CORRECT!

How can we deal with these problems?

>> CORRECT!

Do we have a solution for these problems?

>> CORRECT!

We should think and approach these problems deeply.

>> We should think about how to approach these problems.

We need to make solution all together socially. 

>> We need to come up with a solution as a society.
 First of all, I think there is problem in schools.

>> First of all, I think there is a problem in our schools.

Students in South Korea get a lot of stress from school.

>> CORRECT!

It is excessive stress from excessive studying and working.

>> They get stressed out from excessive studying and working.

In South Korea, there is competivtive society.

>> The Korean society is very competitive.

Students and worker want to get number one prize form schools and companies.

>> Both students and workers want to be \"number one\" in everything.

Problems happen from that kind of situation.

>> This kind of situation causes some problems.

Students and workers should try to find to relieve stress through various ways.

>> Both students and workers should try to find a way to relieve stress.

Having hobbies and doing excercise will relieve stress and make you feel happy.

>> Having some hobbies and doing exercises can help them relieve stress and feel happy.

I think if we cannot change the circumcetance or problem itself, we should find a way to change myself.

>> I think that if we cannot change the circumstance or the problem itself, then we should find a way to change ourselves.
 Second, students and adults should take a class about sex education.

>> CORRECT!

All generation do not have idea about sex.

>> Every generation does have any idea about sex.

So, they need to know what is exactly sex.

>> So they need to know exactly what is sex.

And also, they need to know sexual morality.

>> Moreover, they need to know about sexual morality.

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