IT negative effects
학생이 쓴 원문
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강사 첨삭
Hi Ye [이름]!
You finally have the correct idea on how to express yourself.
This essay is much clearer than the previous ones.
Keep it up.
Take note of the use of articles and prepositions.
Let\'s talk tomorrow.^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
These days, many people lie on the field of information technology (IT).
>> These days, many people rely on the field of information technology (IT).
People communicate more and
more by using computer and mobile phone compared to face to face.
>> People communicate more and more by using computers and mobile phones compared to face to face conversations.
Moreover, some scholars warn the
negative effects of using IT.
>> Moreover, some scholars warn abut the negative effects of using IT.
This essay will discuss the negative side of IT in future and I would express
my opinion as well.
>> This essay will discuss the negative side of IT in the future and I would express my opinion as well.
The first negative effect of IT is that people do not spend their time each other in real world.
>> The first negative effect of IT is that people do not spend their time with each other in the real world.
People just
watch their mobile phones in the streets and also on the table for meals.
>> People just use their mobile phones on the streets and also at the table for meals.
Even though people are together in
the same places, they communicate with mobile phone not using their mouths.
>> Even though people are together in the same places, they communicate with mobile phones without using their voices.
I believe that communication is not just consisted with worlds only.
>> I believe that communication is not limited to words only.
Sometimes, only world delivering without any body language and
emotion makes many mistakes.
>> Sometimes, delivery of words alone without any body language and emotion can cause many mistakes.
If we just communicate by using technology devices, we cannot trust and
understand each other.
>> If we communicate only by using technological devices, we cannot trust and understand each other.
Secondly, I think communication is not just sharing words.
>> Correct
When people say something, emotion and
feeling deliver to others as well.
>> When people say something, emotions and feelings are delivered to others as well.
However, there is a limitation to deliver people’s emotion through devices.
>> However, there is a limitation in conveying people’s emotion through devices.
Therefore, if we keep using devices for communicating a lot, people will lose the way how to express their
mind.
>> Therefore, if we keep using devices for communicating, people will forget how to express their thoughts.
In conclusion, there are many benefits for using IT in our lives.
>> In conclusion, there are many benefits of using IT in our lives.
Moreover, we cannot stop people using IT
more and more.
>> Moreover, we cannot stop people from using IT more often.
However, we can think about drawbacks of using IT and prepare the solution for our future.
>> However, we can think about drawbacks of using IT and preparing a solution for our future.
I believe human pursue not only benefits of technology but also living with others together.
>> I believe humans pursue not only the benefits of technology but also living with others.
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