it's part of my essay

ESSAY 1 Q: Are there really many Korean women who are overweight or obese? Do you agree that eating habits now in Korea is becoming westernized? In traditional society of Korea, we grew organic vegetables, organic fruit, and domesticated animals feeding on grasses and plants in natural environment, and we ate that food for our entire life. However, as Korea has moved into the developed country, our eating habits have been also westernized. Due to this phenomenon, we cannot deny that not only Korean women but also other Koreans are changing their eating style with a lot of fat.

Hello there Ms. [이름]ny! Like your name, this essay brightens and enlightens my thoughts regarding this health issue in your country. I fondly hope that South Korea will not gear to this eating condition in the coming years. Let us both eat the right kind and amount of food. --T. Donna ESSAY 1Q: Are there really many Korean women who are overweight or obese? Do you agree that eating habits now in Korea is becoming westernized? In traditional society of Korea, we grew organic vegetables, organic fruit, and domesticated animals feeding on grasses and plants in natural environment, and we ate that food for our entire life. >> In traditional society of Korea, we grow organic vegetables, organic fruits, and domesticated animals feeding on grasses and plants in the natural environment, and we eat these food for (in) our entire life. (In this long sentence: 1.) “the traditional society” still exists today because tradition is passed from one generation to another. Thus, the verbs (grow, eat) must be in the present tense; 2.) “organic fruits” should be plural because it must be parallel with “organic vegetables” and “domesticated animals”; 3.) we can use the preposition “for” or “in” towards the end of the sentence because bothe are correct.)  However, as Korea has moved into the developed country, our eating habits have been also westernized. >> However, as Korea has become a more  developed country, our eating habits have been also westernized. (We better use “become” rather than “move” because move has something to do with “motion” meaning a thing that comes from a specific direction to another or a movement in place. On the other hand, “become” means a product of a long process. Thus, “become” is a better diction or choice of word for the sentence because tradition is a long process of constant change.) Due to this phenomenon, we cannot deny that not only Korean women but also other Koreans are changing their eating style with a lot of fat. >>Correct. (ALSO: “…we cannot deny the fact that not only Korean women…”)