Movement from rural areas to urban areas
학생이 쓴 원문
Thank you so much. I tried this time making short sentences.
강사 첨삭
Hi Ye [이름]!
You can finally see the difference here.
You can see that the risk for mistakes became lower because of the simpler sentences.
I hope you appreciate its importance and continue writing like this.
Good job!^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
Many people want to live in cities. >> Correct
People look for an opportunity to move from rural areas to urban areas.
>> Correct
However, over population in one area is always having many problems.
>> Correct
This essay will discuss the
problems caused by the movement from country side to city and I would express my opinion as well.
>> Correct
Firstly, the movement can bring some issues in a city.
>> Correct
It can be caused of pollution, lack of working spaces
and traffic problems.
>> It can be the cause of pollution, lack of working opportunities and traffic problems.
If many people come to a city, people will find jobs.
>> If many people come to a city, they would look for jobs.
However, there are limited
working spaces for everyone.
>> However, there are limited working opportunities for everyone.
As a re[이름]t, it brings a poverty issue again.
>> As a re[이름]t, it brings about a poverty issue again.
People need to build their houses in a city.
>> Correct
Therefore, they cut many tress.
>> Therefore, they cut many trees.
At the same time, people need
many roads for traffic and they again cut many tress in a city.
>> At the same time, people need many roads for traffic and they again cut many trees in a city.
As a re[이름]t, air pollution is getting serious
and it can bring another issue of health problem.
>> As a re[이름]t, air pollution is getting serious and it can bring about another issue of health problems.
Secondly, there are some problems in a country side.
>> Correct
If many people leave to a city, there are small number
of people in rural areas.
>> If many people leave to go to a city, there would be a small number of people in rural areas.
It can bring some negative effects in rural areas such as lack of manpower, low
quality of education for children and discrimination between cities and country sides.
>> Correct
Nowadays, there is
problem in agriculture sector because of lack of manpower
>> Nowadays, there is a problem in the agriculture sector because of lack of manpower.
Machines are working instead of human, but
there are limitation to improve agriculture.
>> Machines are working instead of humans, but there are limitations in the improvement of agriculture.
The quality of education can be lower because the government
do not support if there are small number of children in schools.
>> The quality of education can be lower because the government do not support if there is a small number of children in schools.
Rural schools can close since there is no
children.
>> Rural schools can close since there are no children.
I think huge immigration should be restrict by the government.
>> I think constant immigration should be restricted by the government.
If it is difficult, the rural government should
come up with a good policy for residence and so, make people do not leave their places.
>> If it is difficult, the rural government should come up with a good policy for residence to encourage people to stay in their places.
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