My hometown

Hi [이름]!

Your sentences are very detailed.

As I have said, you can really paint a picture with your words.

Congratulations!

You\'ve done good work.^^

~~ Teacher Sharon

My hometown is Busan.

>> Correct
I was born in Busan and lived for 10 years, and moved to Yongin when I was 11 years old.

>> I was born in Busan and I lived there for 10 years, and then, I moved to Yongin when I was 11 years old.
There are many travel places or famous places in Busan.

>> There are many tourist spots or famous places in Busan. 
Today I am going to introduce Haeundae and Jagalchi Market.

>> Today, I am going to talk about Haeundae and Jagalchi Market. 
These are places that few people may not know.

>> Only  few people know about these places.
Haeundae is a beach and there are so many people that you must go in early to play in the sea.

>> Haeundae is a beach and there are so many people who come early to play in the sea. 
There is a sand festival in annual.

>> There is also an annual sand festival.
Next is the Jagalchi market.

>> Next,  is the Jagalchi market.
There are a lot of food and seafood in Jagalchi market, and there are a lot of people there.

>> Correct
Suddenly, I want to go to Busan!

>> Correct