Please review my answer2

2019-05-30 · 첨삭 강사 Jean

학생이 쓴 원문

and now I would like to tell you the reason why I mail you like this. We have been taking part in the Nation R&D project named MR(Mixed Reality) project that aimed to help the worker with virtual reality and augmented reality technology since 2017. we expect that this project will be completed this fall then we have a plan to make a business with this developed technology focused on inspection and maintenance of rolling stock in the metro system. We are going to participate in your exhibition LIVEWORKS19 IN BOSTON MA. JUNE 10–13, 2019 to understand the overseas current situation in AR and VR technology and other related business for commercialization but the registration fee is too expensive that we can not afford it with deficit R&D budget. So please ask you carefully whether you can exempt registration fee for two participants. I look forward to hearing your positive answer. I\'d like to thank you for your time and attention. yours sincerely

강사 첨삭

and now I would like to tell you the reason why I mail you like this.
>> Please allow me to tell you the reason why I am contacting you. [You may delete this part.]

We have been taking part in the Nation R&D project named MR(Mixed Reality) project that aimed to help the worker with virtual reality and augmented reality technology since 2017. we expect that this project will be completed this fall then we have a plan to make a business with this developed technology focused on inspection and maintenance of rolling stock in the metro system.
>> We have been taking part in the National R&D project named MR (Mixed Reality) that aims to help the worker with virtual reality and augmented reality technology since 2017. We expect that this project will be completed this fall, then we have a plan to develop a business with this completed technology, which is focused on inspection and maintenance of rolling stock in the metro system.

We are going to participate in your exhibition LIVEWORKS19 IN BOSTON MA. JUNE 10–13, 2019 to understand the overseas current situation in AR and VR technology and other related business for commercialization but the registration fee is too expensive that we can not afford it with deficit R&D budget.
>> We are going to participate in your exhibition LIVEWORKS19 IN BOSTON MA. from JUNE 10 to 13, 2019 to understand the overseas current situation in AR and VR technology and other related businesses for commercialization, but the registration fee is too high that we cannot afford it with deficit R&D budget. [You may delete the first part of this sentence.]

So please ask you carefully whether you can exempt registration fee for two participants.
>> May we ask that you consider waiving the registration fee of two participants? 
>> or: May we ask that you consider exempting two participants from paying the registration fee? 

I need your answer as soon as possible because there is less left to decide.
>> If it\'s not too much ask, could you possibly give us your answer the soonest because we have to decided on our next action. 

I look forward to hearing your positive answer.
>> I look forward to hearing your positive response. 

I\'d like to thank you for your time and attention.
>> I would like to thank you for your time and attention.

yours sincerely
>> Sincerely,

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