Practice^^

2013-07-24 · 첨삭 강사 Kathrine

학생이 쓴 원문

The telephone is the best invention that makes our lives convenient. Especially I love my smart phone. First, I can talk on the phone with my friends anytime I want. And I can search a lot of information on the web with this device. With my smart phone, I can access the internet whenever I want. I can shop online easily. And I can check or send an e mail. Also these days, smart phones have a good camera function. I don’t have to carry DSLR. The quality of the picture is same. And a smart phone is very light compared to a camera. I don’t think we have to buy a camera to take picture because we can use our smart phone. It is very important to me. I think people should have Sociability. That’s why I think patience is important for children. It’s a basic thing for sociability. Parents should teach it to them. With this, they can refrain from their desires. And they could be cooperative. So, they can get along with other people in an organization such as a company.

강사 첨삭

Hi there again!
Well this one is also good.
You have more to say with this composition than the other one.
good job in continuing to be diligent in learning English.
Keep it up.
T.Hannah^^
The telephone is the best invention that makes our lives convenient. 
>> Correct^^
Especially I love my smart phone. 
>> Especially that I love my smart phone.
First, I can talk on the phone with my friends anytime I want. 
>> Correct^^
And I can search a lot of information on the web with this device. 
>> I can search a lot of information on the web with this device.
With my smart phone, I can access the internet whenever I want. 
>> Correct^^
I can shop online easily. 
>> Correct^^
And I can check or send an e mail. 
>> Correct^^
Also these days, smart phones have a good camera function. 
>> Correct^^
I don’t have to carry DSLR. The quality of the picture is same. 
>> Correct^^
And a smart phone is very light compared to a camera. 
>> Correct^^
I don’t think we have to buy a camera to take picture because we can use our smart phone. 
It is very important to me.
>> Correct^^
>> It is very important for me.
I think people should have Sociability. 
>> I think people should be sociable.
That’s why I think patience is important for children. 
>> Correct^^
It’s a basic thing for sociability. 
>> Correct^^
Parents should teach it to them. 
>> Correct^^
>> Parents should teach them to be sociable.
With this, they can refrain from their desires. 
>> With this, they can refrain from desiring many things.
And they could be cooperative. 
>> They can also be cooperative.
So, they can get along with other people in an organization such as a company.
>> Correct^^

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