second part

Second, I’m a team player. I was a captain of ‘ball in’ which is a basket ball team in my college. And I’m a member of choir in Seocho Catholic church. Through these experiences, I’ve learned harmony of group members is the most important factor for success. And I recently read an autography soccer player Park jisung, titled ‘Sacrifice for the team.’ Like him, I’ll sacrifice for my team. Therefore, with these experiences and abilities that I possess I believe I can contribute greatly to KOTRA. Thank you Tiny!!^^

These are your corrections for the second part!

Have a good evening [이름]! 

 

Second, I’m a team player.
I was a captain of ‘ball in’ which is a basket ball team in my college.

>>I was the team captain in my basketball team in college.

And I’m a member of choir in Seocho Catholic church.

>>And I’m a member of the choir in Seocho Catholic church.

Through these experiences, I’ve learned harmony of group members is the most important factor for success.

>> Through these experiences, I’ve learned to work in harmony with my group members and that it is the most important factor to success.

And I recently read an autography soccer player Park jisung, titled ‘Sacrifice for the team.’ Like him, I’ll sacrifice for my team

>>Like how the soccer player ,Park Ji Sung did, sacrificed for his team. I’ll also sacrifice for my team.
Therefore, with these experiences and abilities that I possess I believe I can contribute greatly to KOTRA.

>> Therefore, with these experiences and abilities that I possess I believe I can contribute greatly to your company.