Using cell phone too much

2020-02-19 · 첨삭 강사 Melody

학생이 쓴 원문

I think there must be many serious impacts of using cell phone too much in our physical and mental health. First of all, when I use a cell phone too much, my neck should be bent and of course, it give a big stress. Because I am interested in workout, I\'m also getting interested in human body. I\'ve read an article about an abnormal neck shape because of using cell phone. It would make a lot of different serious impacts on the other body parts. Moreover, eyes would be bad because we have to watch a screen a long time and it also gives a big stress in my eyes. Even though there has been a big improvement in display technique, I think it cannot change a fact that screen is not good for our eyes. I know cell phone became a necessary part in our life but we need to control and be concerned about how many hours we use cell phone

강사 첨삭

1. I think there must be many serious impacts of using cell phone too much in our physical and mental health.
>>CORRECT
OR>>I think there must be many serious effects of using cell phone too much in our physical and mental health.

2. First of all, when I use a cell phone too much, my neck should be bent and of course, it give a big stress.
>>First of all, when I use cell phone too much, my neck should be bent and of course, it gives much stress.

3. Because I am interested in workout, I\'m also getting interested in human body.
>>CORRECT
OR>>Because I am into workout, I\'m also getting interested in human body.

4. I\'ve read an article about an abnormal neck shape because of using cell phone.
>>CORRECT
OR>>I\'ve read an article about an abnormal neck shape because of cell phone usage.

5. It would make a lot of different serious impacts on the other body parts.
>>CORRECT
OR>>It would make lots of different serious impacts on the other body parts.

6. Moreover, eyes would be bad because we have to watch a screen a long time and it also gives a big stress in my eyes.
>>Moreover, eyes would be bad because we have to watch a screen for a long time and it also strains the eyes.

7. Even though there has been a big improvement in display technique, I think it cannot change a fact that screen is not good for our eyes.
>>Even though there has been a big improvement in display settings, I think it cannot change the fact that screen is not good for our eyes.

8. I know cell phone became a necessary part in our life but we need to control and be concerned about how many hours we use cell phone
>>I know cell phone became a necessary part in our life but we need to control it and be concerned about how many hours we use cell phone.

Very good essay.
-T. Melody^^ 

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