Writing 1

Hello, [이름]!

You surprised me with your answer.

You said it well.

I think you really know much about the university you are applying to.

Anyway, you are now ready to check my corrections.

~Teacher Chloe

The writing is the scholarship application in the university I applied for. Please check the content. Thank you.
>>The writing is the scholarship application in the university where I applied for Masters Degree. Please check the content. Thank you.
1. Why did you apply to the **University?
>>Correct!
In all areas of industry including finance, computer technology has become the area that cannot be ignored at all.

>>In all areas of the industry particularly Finance, Computer Technology has become the area that cannot be ignored at all.

I hope to contribute to make an environment where computer technology is easily accessible and user-friendly for everyone.

>>I hope to contribute to making an environment where computer technology is easily accessible and user-friendly for everyone.

So, I want to study at **University because I can have 24-hour access to modern computing laboratories, and take the artificial intelligence module and knowledge discovery and data mining module that will help me hone my professional skills.

>>So, I want to study at ____ University because I can have 24-hour access to modern computing laboratories, can take the artificial intelligence module and knowledge discovery and data mining that will help me hone my professional skills.

Studying human-computer interaction at **University, which is the prestigious university, especially in computer science field, will give me the chance to fulfil my dream.

>>Studying human-computer interactions at ____ University, which is a prestigious university, especially in the computer science field, will give me the chance to fulfill my dream.