Writing Exercise: Discipline is an ever-increasing problem in modern schools. Some people think that

2020-02-25 · 첨삭 강사 Sharon

학생이 쓴 원문

Recently, the problem of discipline in school is getting serious and make various Issues. There are two type of people who suggest discipline is responsibility of teachers or duty of parents. Both opinions have sufficient reasons with pros and cons. Firstly, many children spend time with teachers more than parents thesedays. Behaviour of teachers utterly influence to children in case of mistakes or bad actions of students. If teachers do not redirect kids, they can make more critical problems frequently. On the other hand, one of the point is over-discipline. Some teachers can not control their mind and behaviour. As a result, we could see the articles and news about violence of teachers. Even students made some fault, violences is not allow to using. In conclusion, there are a lot of thinking and opinions to discipline of children. We have to find suitable and better way to teach them.

강사 첨삭

Hi Jay!
I\'m glad you\'re writing again.
Are you ready for the exam?
This composition is better because it is more organized.
The sentences are clearer and you made the right choices in the vocabulary part.
Keep it up and practice more.^^
~~ Teacher Sharon
Recently, the problem of discipline in school is getting serious and make various Issues. 
>> Recently, the problem of discipline in school is getting serious and causing various issues. 
There are two type of people who suggest discipline is responsibility of teachers or duty of parents. 
>> There are two types of people who suggest that discipline is the responsibility of teachers or the duty of parents. 
Both opinions have sufficient reasons with pros and cons.
>> Both opinions have sufficient reasons with their own pros and cons.
Firstly, many children spend time with teachers more than parents thesedays. 
>> Firstly, many children spend more time with teachers than parents these days. 
Behaviour of teachers utterly influence to children in case of mistakes or bad actions of students. 
>> Behavior of teachers utterly influence the children in case of mistakes or bad actions of students. 
If teachers do not redirect kids, they can make more critical problems frequently. 
>> Correct
On the other hand, one of the point is over-discipline. 
>> On the other hand, one of the points is over-discipline. 
Some teachers can not control their mind and behaviour. 
>> Some teachers can not control their temper and behavior. 
As a result, we could see the articles and news about violence of teachers. 
>> As a result, we could see articles and news about violence of teachers. 
Even students made some fault, violences is not allow to using.
>> Even if students are at fault, violence is not allow to be used.
In conclusion, there are a lot of thinking and opinions to discipline of children. 
>> In conclusion, there are a lot of views and opinions on the discipline of children. 
We have to find suitable and better way to teach them.
>> We have to find a suitable and better way to teach them.

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